On a day like today when my entire body feels sore from the moment I open my eyes, it’s hard to imagine anything that can help make me feel better. One would think all the pain medications I take might do that; but they only make it possible for me to cope with the always-present pain and the soreness, which is a by-product of any movement or exertion I make with my now atrophied muscles.
Today, however, there was one thing that made me feel wholly better for a short time. I made myself a peanut butter and banana sandwich. My version of a comfort food that I’ve been eating for as long I can remember. If you’ve never tried one, I suggest that you should, at least once in your life. Because, for me, peanut butter and banana sandwiches make everything feel better…
I’m late posting my entry for last week’s ‘IF Draw A Week‘ challenge that I found on Instagram. It’s not because I didn’t complete it. For whatever reason I had more technology hiccups yesterday, so I diverted my attention to do attempt some Spring Cleaning. I’m cleaning because I feel mentally cluttered as a result of my home becoming cluttered. Actually, it’s been cluttered – and my version of shamefully messy – for a while now because I can’t clean the way I used to and the person I had coming to clean my home for me hasn’t been able to be here for several months. Happily, she found a full-time job that pays enough so she doesn’t have to clean other people’s homes anymore to make ends meet.
Sadly, what that means for me is that I’m sinking under the weight of undone chores. It also means that after making any significant effort, as I did yesterday, I pay for it with added pain. When I finally fell asleep last night – it was actually early this morning – I knew that I’d be in for a painful day, and my body has not disappointed as it continues to narrow the parameters of my life. In this instance, it’s a clean house vs. manageable pain, but the cleaning is not finished yet, so I have to prepare myself for the painful days ahead until it’s all done.
However, if I can’t address the clutter in my home in one go, at least I can briefly put aside the clutter in my mind. The prompt for last week’s ‘IF Draw A Week’ challenge was to “sketch something from real life”, and because it’s not possible to draw pain and I don’t want to depict the growing stack of paper on my dining table, I decided to draw some of my art supplies. The objects I drew are a black binder clip, my trusty Staedtler pencil sharpener, and one of my newly discovered – and quickly becoming favourites – Muji gel pens.
My effort to spring clean my home may not have been successful, but I hope that I successfully captured what these items look like in real life on paper.
It’s hard being alone with intense pain late at night, as I was last night and the night before. Then again, pain that never stops is hard to cope with at any time of the day. Last night, and other days and nights, when my pain is particularly bad and sleep eludes me, I try to think of things to do – aside from amputating the offending body part(s) – to distract myself. Unfortunately, depending on the pain’s level of intensity, I’m not always successful at turning my thoughts away. However, I do usually end up creating something interesting to look at.
As the pain level rose in my legs and pelvis the night before last, I didn’t have a plan for what I wanted to create. I started to place random dots on a clean page in my sketchbook with a black Sharpie pen. Then I connected the dots together with short straight lines and they became triangles, but the sight of a page full of small triangles didn’t feel satisfying. That led me to connecting the triangles at their various points creating a sort of web, which still felt incomplete. I looked at the page for a short while then started drawing lines within each triangle transforming them into prisms. With each line I added, I saw multi-pointed stars appearing on the page that made me wish for an opportunity to experience weightlessness among them on the off-chance I might not feel any pain without the pull of gravity…
Drawing lines didn’t help make my pain go away on recent nights, but it distracted me from thinking of it for a short time as I imagined creating a new galaxy of endless stars.